Happy hump day everyone (snicker;))!
In case any of you lovely readers missed this, here is my “guest blog” post which appeared on fellow author Fran Clark’s blog on Monday. Here are links to her blogs, and my original post below.
Happy reading!! xoxoxoxoxo
ONE AND DONE? WHY? AND, WHY?
When I was totally in the weeds and writing my book, “One and Done”, I was frequently asked the following questions:
What led you to develop this strategic dating plan? And,
What motivated you to write a book about it?
My answer was always this:
Because I wanted to take control of my dating life (i.e., to quit choosing to date douchebags and other inappropriate suitors). And,
It was a cathartic way for me to share this successful strategy with others.
Even though I’m married now, and that part of my life is behind me, not a day goes by that I don’t discuss some aspect of dating with any number of my single girlfriends. It seems as though everyone is on their own quest to find “The One”. This tenant has been ingrained in many of us from the time we were little girls. From Cinderella and Prince Charming, to Ariel and Prince Eric, women have become so obsessed with this fantastical theory, that every time we go on a first date, our very first thought is, “This could be THE ONE”.
Don’t even try to deny it – you know it’s true. Now, with on-line dating becoming the new “organic” way to meet people, often times, this notion overcomes us even before we’ve met our prospective prince! We begin to daydream about romantic dinners a deux, amorous excursions to exotic locations, and so on. All of this even before our first encounter!
But, if we think about this logically, how often does “The One” come around? In the literal sense, exactly once. That’s why the odds are that the dude you just swiped right for on Tinder is not your Prince Charming. Realistically, he’s probably not someone you’d ever do a double take for while venturing on your daily coffee run, much less date for an extended period of time.
But for some reason, 100+ text messages later, once we’ve settled into that chair across the table from him, had our first sip of bubbly champagne, and have begun to engage in conversation, we start to mold him – like clay – into that image we had of him feeding us fettuccini in front of the Roman Coliseum on our honeymoon. We overlook the fact that he may not have graciously allowed us to order before him. Or that he has been constantly checking his phone for messages since we sat down. And hasn’t asked even one substantive question about us.
Why do we do this? Why do we ignore the obvious signs that this guy isn’t “The One”? Perhaps it’s because we’re afraid of ending up alone. Or, quite simply, we’re bored with the single life and want to have a constant companion to do fun, couple-y things with. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that when all is said and done, we end up dating a guy who, if we were completely honest with ourselves and objective about our true feelings from the onset, we likely would not have accepted a second date with.
And now, three months later, after he’s mysteriously dropped off the face of the earth, we’re left perplexed and hurt. And angry.
We’ve just wasted irreplaceable time on a guy we’ve now deemed “unworthy” of us, and the cycle begins again.
What did we ever see in him in the first place???
I blame Cinderella and Ariel. Because every first date we have, cannot possibly be with the likes of Charming and Eric. It is statistically impossible.
So, rather than thinking, Maybe he’s the one, before every first date, why don’t we go into it more logically by stating, He’s NOT the one, and I’m never going to see him again after tonight because (insert all of his transgressions here – and be honest – which you will inevitably discover after said date)? If we go into a first date with the anti-romanticized notion that the guy is more than likely not, “The One” for us, then we become more aware of our standards and much more objective in terms of our general opinion of him from the start.
For me, establishing this mindset gave me much more clarity. It was as if I had just wiped my grubby eyeglasses with a dose of reality. Routinely, on date #1, I immediately became inherently aware of every single thing my date said and did, and constantly checked in with myself to determine whether I liked it or not. Was I offended when he lingered looking at my cleavage a few seconds too long? Was I annoyed by the fact that every time I embarked on a story or anecdote, he immediately attempted to “one up me” by inserting a tale of his own? Could I live with the fact that he laughed like a hyena in distress? If the answers to these questions were, yes, yes, and no, then he was done.
At 38, I didn’t want to waste any of my time (or his, for that matter) trying to mold this guy and this could-be relationship into something it clearly was not, and would never be.
So what is the moral of this Unfairy Tale? Be realistic about who you’re going to meet on date #1, and don’t ignore the obvious signs when your prince turns out to be a frog.